A diet mentality starts a chain reaction around “naughty” food. Inspired by, and with affection for, the children’s book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie by Laura Joffe Numeroff.
If you give a dieter a cookie
she’s going to ask for a cup of tea.
When you give her the tea,
she’ll probably ask for some stevia.
When she’s finished, she’ll ask for a napkin.
Then she’ll want to look in a mirror to make sure her stomach doesn’t stick out.
She might notice her clothes are a little tight.
So she’ll probably ask for a pair of sweat pants.
When she’s finished changing into sweat pants, she’ll want to work off the calories from the cookie.
She’ll start exercising.
She might get carried away and do burpees.
She may even end up journaling all the food she ate today.
When she’s done, she’ll probably want to take a nap.
You’ll have to fix up the couch for her
with a blanket and a pillow.
She’ll crawl in, make herself comfortable
and fluff the pillows a few times.
She’ll probably ask you to track her calorie intake.
So you’ll read to her from one of your old diet books,
and she’ll ask to calculate macros.
When the carb ratio is not right, she’ll get so upset she’ll figure “what the hell.”
She’ll decide to start fresh Monday.
She’ll eat some chips.
When the bag is finished, she’ll want to plan her goal weight.
With a fitspiration picture.
Then she’ll want to hang her picture on your refrigerator.
Which means she’ll need
Scotch tape.
She’ll hang up her photo and stand back to look at it.
Looking at the refrigerator will remind her that
she’s thirsty.
So…
She’ll ask for a cup of tea.
And chances are if she asks for a cup of tea
she’s going to want a whole batch of cookies to go with it.
