Given that there’s so much food morality and religious vocabulary typically used about eating, this is for everyone who has been tempted by decadent, sinful food. If you have ever felt like you need to go to confession after eating chocolate cake, these humorous prayers are for you. Save your guilt for what really matters.
Our Lady of Perpetual Diet Misery
We implore your help, Our Lady of Perpetual Diet Misery.
To behold our unworthiness of bikini donning.
And to deliver us from the fashion police.
Many are the scourges of the carb-eater.
Cast to the dungeons of white flour, the harbinger of cellulite.
Deliver us from refined and empty calories.
For there is no place in heaven for binge-eaters like us.
Our lack of willpower binds us in chains of wretchedness and hot dogs.
Our growling stomachs are proof of our failure.
We entreat you, dear Lady, to bestow a love for almond milk and kale.
That our thighs may be smooth and we be deserving of love.
Amen.
Confession
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. My last cupcake was three days, 20 hours, and 42 minutes (subtract 23 seconds if you count the time I spent licking crumbs off the cupcake liner) ago.
My sins are:
- Eating a cheeseburger including a bun. And fries. And some fried calamari. And a margarita that wasn’t made with stevia.
- Failing to calculate the number of extra Zumba-minutes needed to work off a medium Blizzard.
- Enjoying milk chocolate (not the super dark kind that is good for you but tastes like you licked the driveway).
- Discovering that my waist is the same measurement as last month.
The Serenity Prayer for Perpetual Dieters
God grant me the serenity to stick to my low-carb diet without biting off my family’s heads.
The courage to change into a swimsuit.
And the wisdom to know that I don’t really need to go gluten-free.
